Spa Treatments Do Not Include Whoopie Cushions

I thought it was time to cash in a gift certificate for a pedicure. One that I thought I got for Christmas, but have actually had since my birthday last June. Definitely time for some pampering.

For me the real treat of a spa pedicure is the chair. That heavenly massage chair. The toe painting is nice, too – I actually had a party to go to and there was a color theme for the attire, so I wanted gold toes. But mostly I wanted the fancy chair.

I chose my gold paint. The pedicurist dunked my feet. I turned on the chair.

The little rollers started working their magic on the small of my back. About halfway up my back, the chair said, “Bzzzrt!”

“Yikes,” I said. “Noisy chair.” The pedicurist gave me a confused look.

“That, um… buzzing sound,” I said. The woman sitting at my feet knit her brows and pointed to one of the manicurists, who was busy buffing someone’s nails with that thing that looks like a dental drill.

“No, behind me. The chair made a noise,” I said. The chair was silent. The woman shrugged and went back to sanding my feet. I tried to relax.

“Pfffft…pffft!” said the chair. This isn’t sounding good, I thought. Maybe there was too much pressure on those tired old rollers. I started shifting my weight in the chair and then thought better of it. Maybe people would think I was the one making that awful noise, and trying to cover for it.

I felt a case of the giggles coming on. “Brrpppt, brrrpppt!” said the chair. I bit my lip. It was like lounging on a yak that got into a bad patch of grass. There were only five people in the shop. Surely everyone could hear it. No one looked up.

“Pllllt…plllt…pffffft…pffffft…blaarrrrrrrrttttt!!!!” said the chair.

I snatched the controls and jabbed at buttons. The pedicurist looked at me. “You want it off?” she asked. She gave me an understanding smile. Of course I wanted it off.

So, I’m guessing she knew the chair was defective. Why didn’t she stick me in another chair? Maybe handling people’s feet all day makes her cranky.

So much for pampering. I settled for a nice quiet foot bath, gold toes, and a good giggle.